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<title>Things are Getting Bad Again by MaddieandChimney</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440368">Things are Getting Bad Again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Triggers [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, tw: domestic violence mentions, tw: miscarriage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:14:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,108</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440368</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Maddie, this is our first baby." </p><p>"Your first baby."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Triggers [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Madney One-Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Things are Getting Bad Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Things are getting bad again." Her voice was quiet, almost ashamed, as she looked down at her lap in an attempt to avoid looking at his face. She hated herself, she thought she had moved on, she had said goodbye to Doug, she had let him go. Why did he always have to come back? Her fingers moved to play with a thread on her jeans, biting down on her bottom lip when she felt his hand take hers.</p><p>She was in love, she had been happy, she was carrying <em>their</em> child and that was still an amazing thing she never thought would happen to her, for them. And there she was, doing her best not to burst into tears as she finally admitted to him aloud that she was struggling.</p><p>It had started when they drove home from the doctors, after seeing their baby on the screen for the first time – she had only been eight weeks, so there hadn’t been much to see but they had heard the beating heart of their baby for the first time. And she was reminded of the time she had gone to the hospital on her own, having driven over an hour to go to one her husband didn’t work at or have friends at, where she hadn’t been able to hear the beating heart of <em>her </em>baby.</p><p>It had happened gradually but surely, the bubble of pure elation had started to leak before eventually, it burst. For her and not for Chimney, who was getting increasingly excitable the closer they got to the twelve weeks mark she had insisted they wait for before telling anyone else. Maddie found herself withdrawing from the conversations surrounding the future of them and their baby, she listened as Chimney spoke about cutting down on caffeine with her, how he thought they should start looking at buying a house together, how he wished his mother could have been there, how he wanted to be the best dad any child could ask for…</p><p>She had listened to him as he rambled on, his voice full of hope and pure love already. The contrast to the way Doug had spoken to her when he had found out she was carrying their baby was boundless. It only made her hate herself even more when she heard his happiness dying down as the days and week passed, how he hesitated before he touched her stomach, how he looked at her with guilt and sadness in his eyes.</p><p>It had all cumulated into that moment right then, as she sat on the couch, refusing to look at him after it had finally blown up. Both of them had said things they regretted already, after Maddie had downright refused to make any plans for the pregnancy announcement despite the fact, she was eleven weeks gone and the baby was, at that moment, healthy. He had wanted to make an announcement to Mr and Mrs Lee, to the 118, he wanted to let the world know they were going to be parents. And she had no idea why she was so against the idea – her initial happiness over seeing Buck’s face when she told him was gone, all the ideas she had over how they would announce it to the people who loved them the most… she was terrified.</p><p>He took a deep breath and moved his fingers to cup her chin gently, tilting his head up so she had no choice but to look at him. “Maddie, this is our first baby and—”</p><p>“Your first baby.” She corrected him, the words rushed out, before she pushed his hand from her face, not able to see the look on his face. There was complete silence throughout the apartment for a moment, until he got up from the couch and she closed her eyes, the tears finally falling. He hated her for lying, he was disgusted with her, he was ashamed of her, he was…</p><p>Kneeling in front of her with a look on his face she couldn’t describe. But it wasn’t a look of disgust, it wasn’t hatred and it wasn’t shame.  “This is <em>our</em> first baby,” He repeated, emphasis on the one word that they both knew signified the difference between the two pregnancies, “I need you to be present, Maddie, I need you here with me. So, tell me what you need from me so I can help you. Do you need me to drive you to Frank? Do you need me to get Buck? Do you need me to leave you alone? Or… do you need me to listen? Tell me and I will do anything for you, you know that.”</p><p>Both his hands were on her knees, gently squeezing, his eyes continually searching for hers to finally look at him. When she finally did, a broken sob fell from her lips, her hand moving to wipe at the tears that had made their way down his cheeks – he didn’t deserve to be sad. She hated how she felt as though she had ruined what was meant to be a happy time for him, for both of them. “I need you.” She finally whispered, “I need to get better at needing you.”</p><p>She felt him relax beneath her touch, saw the relief on his face – she knew that no matter what she had said, even if it had been asking him to leave her alone, he would have done it. It was one of the many reasons she loved him more than she ever thought it possible to love another person. He was safe, loving, kind, he was her <em>home</em> and she hated how she treated him like he wouldn’t be able to handle anything she threw at him. Because everything so far, he had stood his ground and still looked at her like she was his entire world. Every nightmare, every tear, every flinch, every single set-back, he was still there with a hopeful, loving look in his eyes. “Okay, then… we’re going to talk, or you talk, and I listen.” His words were slow, and calm, as though if he said the wrong thing, she would change her mind.</p><p>“But Maddie, you need to understand that no matter what you tell me, I’m always going to love you. We need to work together to find a better way of coping, because… this…” He gestured between the two of them, “This doesn’t work. So, we’re going to figure that one out together, okay?”</p><p>She could only give a timid nod of her head, her cheeks flushing in shame – three weeks she had put him through hell; snapping at him for every little thing, barely eating, not talking, pushing him away when he touched her. Three weeks he had waited patiently until he couldn’t wait anymore. “I love you.” It was the first time she had spoken those actual words, and it most definitely was not in the situation she had imagined herself saying them out loud to him. The look on his face told her that it wasn’t the situation he had imagined, either, hearing her say those words he said at least ten times a day, for the first time.</p><p>“I-I just… I love you. And I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole the past few weeks, I’m just… between my parents and Doug, I’m used to not talking about my feelings and then it’s just easier to stay quiet. And then the longer I don’t talk, the more I over-think those feelings and they just start building up and then—” She was rambling, rushing to get the words out as though she had to justify anything she did to the man who adored her, “Then I finally blow up and that’s what I did tonight and I’m so sorry for shouting at you, I’m sorry for not talking to you, for not sharing your happiness. I just need you to know that I love you and now I’ve said it I can’t stop saying it.” Her face had turned a bright shade of pink as she carried on, before Chimney finally laughed and pressed his lips to hers – mostly because he loved her, but partly to shut her up for a second.</p><p>The kiss was brief and gentle, a soft reminder that he loved her too, “Thank you.” She whispered when he pulled back, “For being you. For being here when you could have easily walked out the door.” When he went to shrug, and shake his head, she removed her hand from his and pressed both palms to either side of his face, “I mean it, thank you for loving me, for making me feel safe. Even if I need reminding sometimes. I know loving me can’t be easy—”</p><p>“It’s the easiest thing in the world to me, Maddie.” He quickly cut her off, “Good days, bad days, loving you is the easiest, most natural feeling I’ve ever had.”</p><p>The tears that slid down her cheeks were from the utter joy she felt in that moment. For the first time in three weeks, the overwhelming sadness and hatred for herself and her past she felt burning inside her, was gone. “Doug never wanted to be a dad, I always wanted to be a mom someday, but I knew bringing a child into that… I was going to leave him when I found out I was pregnant. I was going to protect my child but, he was never going to let me leave. He made sure I didn’t have a reason to leave him.”</p><p>She didn’t have to say the words, the implication was enough, a flash of anger in Chimney’s eyes told her that he understood exactly what she meant. “Hearing our babies heartbeat for the first should have been the happiest moment of my life but then I remembered how I had to drive, bleeding and bruised, for over an hour to find a hospital that was far enough away from him so no one would know… just so a stranger could tell me they couldn’t find a heartbeat. And I could have just told you that, but then all I could think about was how I’d let Doug ruin another thing for me when I had promised myself I wouldn’t let him and then I hated myself because I was letting him win.”</p><p>“You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met.” The words fell from his lips quickly, the look of complete awe on his face was just enough for her to give him a small smile. “Seriously, I hate him for everything he did and everything he put you through, but you’ve never let him win, Maddie. You’re still here and I would take a few weeks of you needing time to just be in your own head if that’s what you need, over the alternative.”</p><p>It was only when she took a deep breath, and the tears had slowed down that he stood up, a relief washing over the two of them when the tension had finally been eased. “You don’t have to go into any detail that makes you uncomfortable, but I have questions… is that okay?”</p><p>His voice was so cautious and quiet, until she nodded her head, “You can ask me anything, I can’t always promise answers, but I’ll try. But first… food?” The woman moved to stand, his hands immediately going to her stomach, without any hesitation for the first time in a few weeks. She could still see the worry on his face, but the relief as his shoulders slumped and he gave her the slightest of smiles, “Food can be arranged. It’s not Friday but… shall we break the rules?” His eyebrows waggled when the smile turned into a daring smirk, “Living life on the wild side… Buftuesday.”</p><p>When she laughed, he hadn’t realised how much he missed that sound, until his heart fluttered and the urge to kiss her completely took over all his senses. He pulled her towards him until their bodies were flush together, his lips grazing against hers in a silent attempt to get her permission, knowing by the way her hands bunched around the fabric of his shirt, and the smile on her lips that he had gotten it. This time their kiss was passionate, full of longing after what suddenly felt like an eternity since the last time their lips had made such contact. Both were breathless by the time they pulled back, chests heaving, before she tilted her head ever so slightly to look into his eyes, “I love you.”</p><p>“Mm, look who can’t stop saying it now.”  </p>
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